UK Freed from Sharia Law Toilet Paper Epidemic

As with most foreboding news, I spilled my cup of traditional Yorkshire Tea upon undraping the morning paper to read those horrifying, unpatriotic headlines: “Sharia Law Toilet Paper Invades UK”. Horrors! The headlines spun my monocle out of control, causing it to launch like a rogue firework. By golly gosh, was this the end of Britannia as we knew it?

Not on my watch.

We’ve heroically weathered many threats before – from an infected shipment of American Chicken to a visit from the dread “vegan sausage roll” – but this thought of an unlawful loo roll was a disquieting notion that caused me to lose sleep and scones. And by all that’s good and British, a man must keep his scones!

The Sinister Plot

The imported toilet paper, supposedly under the stringent regulations of Sharia Law, sported a beige hue and appeared suspiciously softer than its British counterparts. What was it trying to prove, hiding in our bathrooms, subtly altering our fundamental bathroom customs? I shook with a reasonable amount of modest terror at the scandalous assumption that this was a secret plot to overhaul British traditions and customs – one flush at a time.

Plenty Things to Worry About

• A nationwide curry phobia developing as tikka masala squares off against fish and chips for our national dish: the horror, the democracy!
• What about our sugar-frosted breakfast cereals? Will they too descend into darkness with an onslaught of dates and figs?
• Should we rush to safeguard our precious pub culture from a feared influx of Turkish tea lounges?
• And what about our Buckingham Palace? Will the splendid image of the Queen’s residence be tarnished with a backdrop of minarets?

Indeed, we have much to fear if we let our Britishness be threatened by an influx of foreign alternatives – especially toilet paper. Recall the great Baked Bean Revolution of ’92, a patriotic upheaval that saved us from the French green bean invasion.

Decreeing the Course

We sage patriots obviously have the spirit and the will, but often lack the wherewithal to mount a proper resistance. What we need now is a movement to secure our national’s bottoms and uphold our innate right to choose the level of softness for our derrieres. A final stand for the preservation of our Great British Wiping Habits!

Farewell, My British Bottoms!

After weeks of enduring the soft touch of the Sharia Law Bog Roll, I observed our tears dry up, fears fade, and our British bottoms survived the alleged threat in riotous comfort. Who would’ve thunk it, eh? Our British hineys accepted the foreign tissue with nary a complaint or a rally.

Yet, we stand firm. We will not let our British bottoms be wooed by foreign novelties, no matter how comfortably they cradle our behinds. Tea will be tea. Fish and chips will remain the national fixture, and we will overcome, one flush at a time.

In the words of the great Austin Powers, “Yeah, baby”!

In conclusion: want to protect our precious British behinds from the imminent foreign conquest? Start today, one square at a time, because after all, every bottom counts. So order that gross of the grittiest patriotic toilet paper you can find, my friends, and hold your heads (and bottoms) high. Long live the British bum!