The Great Doner Kebab Takeover: An Insider’s Account

Deep within the heart of Britain, a dastardly plot is unfolding. It’s not about the impending Brexit apocalypse or the inevitable rugby loss to the All Blacks. No, dear reader, this threat is as European as feta and as sinister as an insurance salesman at a hospice. Gather around, boys and girls, as I expose the looming threat that’s kept Gertrude, from Skegness, awake past her 8 pm bedtime. I present to you – The Great Doner Kebab Takeover!

The Meaty Menace: From Food Trucks to Phalanxes

Remember the simpler times when a kebab was just a tipsy bite after a wild night out? You’d stagger towards the local van, praying to the lamb gods that your meal would sustain you through inevitable nausea. Well, nostalgia is dead, tragically impaled on a vertical spit, alongside a mound of pre-sliced onions.

For the uninitiated, the humble doner, born in the culinary cauldrons of Middle East, has transformed from saviour-of-boozy-Brits to perpetrator-of-non-specific paranoia. Never mind the economic recession, climate change or measures against a global pandemic. Terrifying tales are currently being spun around the giant rotating skewers in our local chippies.

• The kebabs are taking over UK’s foodscape.
• Your pints will soon be replaced by turmeric-infused lassis.
• Traditional mushy peas will be ousted by hummus.

The Signs are Everywhere: Kebab Coding Class?

Did you notice that the kebab shops now offer free Wifi? Next, they will start offering coding and language classes – Python served with a side of flatbread anyone? Unthinkable amounts of hummus causing British youth to start embracing open-source software? Stay alert or we might find ourselves neck-deep in a javascript jihad!

The British Way of Life: Under Pita or Pint?

You may argue, as you munch on your post-pub kebab, that the already meek chicken tikka masala defected from India, and fish & chips have a suspiciously Jewish origin. That scrumptious Christmas turkey? An American immigrant. However, the kebab is an entirely different beast – or should I say lamb? It generalizes, infiltrates, and accelerates. Or so say the self-proclaimed prophets of pure Englishness.

The problem, Deirdre, from Doncaster, laments, “is that the bloody kebatons refuse to integrate into our potato-filled society”. Are the kebab shops attempting an insidious lamb revolution? Or this imagined threat simply a symptom of deep-seated xenophobia?

Could You be a Kebaby?

So what are the signs you might ask, that you are unwittingly being Grecianised? To use a diagnostic tool crafted by a panel of professionals over a pint of Stella (or umm…a cup of tea):

• You’ve started saying ‘nessuna problema’ to everyone.
• You occasionally get an irresistible craving for feta.
• You find yourself cheerfully humming ABBA tunes.
• You have a sudden aversion to all things Taylor Swift.

If you tick all these boxes, then my dear friend, you are a risk to the British way of life!

The Final Call: Order a Curry, Save the Empire?

We must fight back – in our own supremely British way. As is our long-standing tradition, let’s vocalize our disdain within the safety of our local pubs and over a plate of a different culinary colonizer, the curry. And remember, when faced with the choice between ordering a shish kebab or chicken tikka, always choose the chicken tikka! For every tikka consumed, a Union Jack flutters somewhere.

In conclusion, order a curry, down a pint, and save the empire. Or even better, join the Vegetarian Society – that’ll put a spanner in the works of the Grand Hummus Hub. This Saturday, we’re staging a sit-in at the village pub. Protest with bangers and mash. See you there, if the Queen’s honour means anything to you!