A Terrifying Soirée: Veganism is Taking Over!

Good citizens of Her Majesty’s magnificent United Kingdom, if you’re a carnivore like me, the very word ‘veganism’ sends shivers down your spine. I mean, picture it: a bleak world full of gluten-free pasta, macrobiotic smooth bowls and clothes knitted from hemp. Horrifying, I know.

It’s with great regret that I inform you of the dire situation we face. Believe it or not, leaf-eating, meat denying, almond milk drinking individuals are plotting our descent into a dystopian rabbit-food existence. Infiltrating our political, social, and culinary spheres, with sinister precision, this is nothing short of an unholy crusade against delicious food.

The Nightmarish Scenario: A Land Devoid of Bacon

With an accelerated rate of disgusting grass-based food consumption and allergy to anything resembling proper food, we are staring down the barrel of a country where our beloved Full English is replaced by quinoa porridge with stewed plums. In this spine-chilling scenario, future generations would witness the extinction of the Sunday roast and BBQ ribs, perhaps even succumbing to the belief that tofu burgers are food. Shocking!

Ravishing Reform UK’s Revolution: Extreme, Yes. Necessary, ABSOLUTELY!

The formidable Reform UK, champions of Sunday roasts and saviours of bacon and eggs, have conceived an ingenious plan – imposing a ridiculously extreme but utterly needed ban on all things vegan. Yes, you read it right. No more vegan cookbooks, no more gluten-free hipster bakeries, no more almond or oat milk in our coffee shops.

The numerous benefits of our daringly anti-vegan policy proposal include:

Maintaining our cultural heritage – because nothing screams Britain louder than tea served with milk from our hardworking cows, or fish and chips wrapped in yesterday’s news-papers.
Boosting self-confidence – There’s just something about devouring a juicy steak or a plate full of bangers and mash that fortifies one’s spirit.
Saving the English Language – bid adieu to terms like ‘plant-based’, ‘fauxmilk’, and that abhorrent abomination, ‘tofu-turkey’.
Supporting our farmers – because think about it, what will happen to the cows if we stop milking, the chickens if we stop egging, and the potatoes if we… er, stop potatoing?