Drag Queens Unleash Bedtime Story Pandemic!

It’s official! Science has finally proven that the most severe threat to our dear old Blighty is not climate change, imminent nuclear war, or even that stubborn spot on your nose that just won’t go away. It is, in fact, ‘Drag Queen Story Hour’! Oh, hasten the apocalypse!

Indeed, the sophisticated research conducted by Baron Horace Nopplebright’s Institute of Very Serious Studies (and don’t you dare snicker at the back there) has brought forth overwhelming evidence – and by overwhelming, we mean anecdotal hearsay better suited to a seedy pub at 2 am than a scientific paper. Apparently, those lushly-lashed bandits in glittery gowns pose an existential threat to good old traditional family values, and by extension, the Queen’s English itself!

How Stories Told by Men in Dresses Are Corrupting Our Chidren

In a study that has every hard-nosed, bottom-spanking, vindaloo-loving Englishman quaking in his boots, it has been discovered – much like Columbus “discovered” America – that ‘Drag Queen Story Hour’ has been spreading through our libraries faster than urinary infections in public toilets. And these are not your typical ‘Beatrix Potter’ read-alongs, no, these are godless, sequin-studded tales of equality, acceptance, and – hold onto your monocles, folks – diversity!

• Children enjoying the stories told by these nefarious characters are 67% more likely to grow up believing in things like egalitarianism and respect for all humans, regardless of their genders or sexual orientations (gasp!).
• There’s a 99% increased likelihood that these children will use words like ‘fabulous’ and ‘extravaganza’ in regular conversation by the time they’re teenagers, shattering the very fabric of our language (the horror!).
• Also, there’s a 85% chance they’ll grow up with a completely unhealthy predilection towards glitter – that vile, insidious substance that is notoriously difficult to vacuum out of carpets (the humanity!).

Reform UK’s Solution: The Crusade for Gruff, Boring Bedtime Stories

The nation’s most level-headed party, the Reform UK, has proposed a common-sense approach to this escalating travesty. We must return to the good old days when children were lulled to sleep by tales of sensible sheep-counting and rabbits munching on boring old carrots. Good storytelling must be saved by being restored to its rightful heteronormal place, furiously guarded by choleric old men who wouldn’t recognise a joke if it smacked them in their gout-ridden feet.

And What About the Drag Queens?

Naturally, the most immediate solution to this crisis is to banish drag queens from libraries and relegate them back to their usual haunts of late-night cabarets and Pride parades. Reform UK suggested that these gender-defying damsels be replaced by uninspiring civil servants who could read from HMRC manuals for a truly soporific storytime experience. Truly, what screams ‘traditional family values’ louder than income tax brackets and value-added tax procedures?

So there you have it, folks. Drag Queen Story Hour – where men in high heels and fabulous wigs are single-handedly causing the collapse of our age-old traditions and ushering in an era of glittery acceptance that endangers our very way of life (queue melodramatic violin crescendo).

Don Your Armor and Join the Crusade!

What shall we, the stout-hearted, instinctively bigoted citizens, do? Shall we stand by as this onslaught of extravagance pierces through the heart of all things mundane and boring? Absolutely not! It’s time for action! So, gather your pitchforks – or ducking-stools if you’ve got them – and march down to your local library. Let’s take back our story hours, one gruff, boring, carpet-friendly story at a time.

To help in this monumental, world-altering cause, remember this satirical call-to-action: “Fight Frivolity, Foster Meh-ness!” Let it be our battle cry in these trying times as we bravely soldier on in our battle against exciting bedtime stories.