IMMIGRANTS GASP: BRITS STEALING THEIR JOBS!

In a shocking revelation, immigrants from all across the globe are reportedly up in arms about a scandalous new trend sweeping the United Kingdom. No, it’s not about the number of sausage rolls consumed at Greggs. It’s allegedly English men and women, stealing the usual jobs reserved exclusively for immigrants.

Middle Aged Brits Terrorizing Fruit Farms!

Reports are streaming in that middle-aged Brits, disguised as Eastern Europeans, are overrunning our farms and orchards, snaffling up jobs faster than you can say “Brexit”. This outlandish behaviour is making waves across Kent, sending shudders down the spines of our esteemed migrants, who find themselves queued up at job centers, grappling with Universal Credit forms, and watching daytime television in utter bemusement.

Enterprising Youths Take Over Chicken Factories

Another shocking location of this British invasion? Assembly lines of chicken processing factories. It’s reportedly bedlam, dear readers. Local teens, usually occupied with normal pastimes like binge drinking and bemoaning their unemployment on social media, are turning up for work on time, exhibiting an unprecedented level of responsibility. This sudden change in behaviour has resulted in a spike in Smirnoff Ice shortages, alarming both the youth and the nationwide off-licence franchises.

• Videos of British teens proficiently wielding chicken gutting knives, is causing widespread panic within the immigrant community.
• Online forums are buzzing with confused chatter about English dialect suddenly echoing in the factory corridors, causing a disruption in the melodic harmony of multiple languages that used to reign previously.

Fish and Chip Shops Relentlessly Besieged

The onslaught does not stop there. It appears fish and chip shops, traditionally guarded sanctuaries for immigrant employment, are also under attack. The locals, in a spirited attempt to restore ‘Britishness’, are replacing perfectly battered haddock with ludicrous quintessentially British items like spotted dick and black puddings.

Is your Job Next On the Line?

Will we soon see taciturn Englishmen drive around in black cabs, engaging passengers in detailed analyses of the offside rule or the infamous Hand of God incident? Will fora to discuss ‘How to reclaim the beloved corner shops’ light up the immigrants’ internet?

What’s next?

So, where will this bumbling invasion leave our proud immigrants? With the fruit farms, chicken factories and chippies under assault, it would only make sense for them to strike next at Indian restaurants, Italian pizza parlors or the kebab houses. Is it possible we find ourselves in a terrifying new age where a tikka masala could be replaced with a toad-in-the-hole? The horror!

In the face of this impending calamity, it is our duty, dear readers, to stand for the rights of our migrants, who nobly used to get their hands dirty so we could keep ours clean, in our misguided quest to reclaim jobs we never wanted in the first place. Therefore, I hereby call upon you all to put aside your British patriotism for a moment and embrace the rich cultural tapestry that our wonderful immigrants have so tirelessly woven in our society. After all, who would want a world devoid of a well-made kebab – a perilous world steeped in the relentless menaces of shepherd’s pies and Yorkshire puddings!