Drown or Beard? The Great British Swim-Off

Are you terrified of the campaign to transform our proud nation into a land of mosques, halal butchers, and all-you-can-eat falafel buffets? Do you quake in your well-polished brogues at the thought of losing to ‘Team Beard’ without a fight? Grab your waterproof Union Jacks and settle into your floating rubber duckies because things are about to get deliciously drenched in the murky waters of British politics and fear-mongering.

Mo Salah and Ivor The Soggy Brexit

Beware the fluttering lashes of Mo Salah! That Liverpool superstar with a smile that could melt the polar ice caps and a left foot capable of seducing even the most committed Brexit voter. He’ll have you cheering his name and then before you know it, you’re feasting on hummus and humming along to Arabic pop songs. Truly, the horror!

It’s just like dear old Ivor, who once boasted the most immaculate ‘English only’ vegetable patch. Until the indulgent taste of a curry had him happily trading cabbage for coriander and planting vindaloos instead of violets. Before you could say ‘reclaim control’, Ivor’s garden was transformed into a veritable foreign Eden, a menacing mélange of multicultural botany.

Our Aquatic Invasion Fears

• Foreign fish sneaking into our waters: Does anyone else wonder how Mediterranean fish like mullet and bream can be caught off the British coast? Migrant fish are no doubt stealing food from the mouths of our British cod and haddock. Keep our seas British!
• Halal water: Reform UK voters have expressed their concerns that our drinking water is being subjected to an Islamic prayer before reaching our taps. Utter madness? Quite.
• Fear of being outswum: The panic really sets in when we contemplate the sheer number of Asians who could swim the Channel if they chose. If the Eurotunnel and dinghies don’t put the fear of Allah in you, imagine the flotilla of turbaned heads bobbing along in the English Channel!

Cue The Jaws Theme Tune

Remember when ‘foreign invasion’ had a tangible enemy? Our grandparents whisper about Nazis, Soviets, and terrifying tales of rabid Frenchmen with mouthfuls of blue cheese. Now, however, we must confront an enemy that’s as difficult to spot as a vegan in a butchers shop. Under the guise of peace, prosperity, and a better life, they bring with them the uttermost devastation: foreign holidays, diverse cuisine, and…angels full of fear.

The Great British Anchor

It’s time to trawl for solutions. Could we breed a British fish invincible in the face of these foreign aquatic intruders? Could we construct an enormous reservoir, filled exclusively with British water, a mighty moat to protect our fair isle? Or maybe, just maybe… we could all learn to swim a bit better?

Pull on your rubber gloves and grab your pitchforks – we’ve got some serious rain water to collect and a sizeable moat to dig. After all, what says ‘Great Britain’ better than a nation united, knee-deep in mud, defending against an over-hyped, imaginary invasion? So, come on, let’s give it some British welly – for Queen, country and council-approved, non-halal H2O!