UK Swamped by Mosques or Miniature Eiffel Towers?

Now here’s a topic that’s been keeping right-wing keyboard warriors up way past their bedtime (and let me tell you, their mums aren’t too thrilled about it). Their hands are cramping from all that online ‘debate’, their eye bags sag lower than their hopes for a multicultural Britain. Simply put, my dear chums, it’s the plight of rural Britain being overrun by a surge of, wait for it… mosques.

It seems like the queen herself, during her morning stroll with her corgis in the royal gardens, might just accidently wander into a mosque, having mistaken it for a miniature Eiffel Tower. Horrors! Perhaps GCHQ should put the kettle on, because this issue certainly demands their attentions… or a strong cup of tea at least!

Mosques Multiplying Like Rural Rabbits!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen! It’s vitally important that we commit ourselves to vigilantly guarding our green and pleasant land from becoming a ‘Desert of Domes’. One must be prepared. Imagine, suddenly running into three mosques on the allotment, where old Maurice used to grow his prize-winning cabbages. The thought of it! Absolutely terrifying.

These tabloid patriots and pub-bench philosopher kings, regularly ‘exterminate button’ their keyboards, declaring a state of emergency over the alleged “Islamic invasion”. They predict that the entire UK landscape will soon be speckled with crescent moons, much like the chicken pox. Mind you, this comes from the same lot that believes Brexit will revive extinct British dinosaurs, but more on that another time.

Missing: Sense of Proportion. If Found Please Return…

• From what I can count (and unlike our aforementioned keyboard kombatants, I have advanced beyond fingers and toes), there are around 3,000 mosques in the UK. Yes, you read it right, three thousand mosques. Across a country with a population of around 66 million people.
• There are more Greggs bakery outlets than mosques. Yes, more places for lovers of lukewarm sausage rolls, than for folks devoted to prayer and community.

But don’t let this marginally researched truthly truth deter you, oh guardians of Britishness! Rack up those Frequent Fear-er Points and keep spreading that good ol’ panic. After all, why let facts get in the way of a good dose of hysteria?

Miniature Eiffel Towers, Hide Your Kids!

For comparison (and a giggle), there happen to be 6,850 churches in London alone, outnumbering mosques by A LOT. Now that’s an actual threat to Britishness, I tell you! Imagine, being surrounded by symbols of… what’s that? Oh, Christianity. Right, got it. Never mind then.

Let’s also not forget the 18,000 “desecrations of the sacred English breakfast”. Yes, we’re talking about those pesky “Vegetarian or Vegan” establishments (I shudder just typing it). But no, the rising number of kale smoothie bars is not a crisis worth addressing (heaven forbid), the mosques though… Danger, Danger!

Call to Arms, I Mean, Keyboards!

Let me conclude my utterly factual tirade by issuing a call to all the budding paranoid patriots out there. You know who you are. The ones who nearly dislocate a thumb with a particularly vigorous retweet. The ones who require a lie down after a taxing Facebook comment war.

Forget the climate crisis, discount the growing wealth gap, and certainly, pay no attention to the crumbling NHS. You instead, devote your energy to thwarting the true menace to our way of life – outlining five point plans to halt the ‘grand mosque convergence’.

Join henceforth, friends! Rise, rally, and really, really over-react!