Sharia Law: The Secret Marmite Conspiracy!

Grab your mugs, fold your Union Jack bunting and boot your miniature ceramic Bulldogs out the door. This, dear reader, is the high-octane revelation that you’ve been cowering under your threadbare tweed brogues for! The hand-wringing, fear-mongering boogeyman of Sharia law is purportedly steaming our way on a migrant-filled dinghy. Yes, that’s right. Destiny-doomed dinghies, apparently, are the Trojan horses of our era!

Hijab-Sporting Hamsters and Other Cabals

You’ve seen it on digital scrolls such as the Daily Mail and Reform UK’s twitter feed; your otherwise composed neighbour warning of bearded youths turning Buckingham palace into a mosque. But today, presenting ironclad arguments even more ‘real’ than a reality TV star’s toupee, we put those fears to pasture where they belong– alongside fairies, unicorns, and affordable London houses.

• No, Britain isn’t about to replace teatime with a five daily prayer schedule.
• No, Her Majesty hasn’t swapped her favourite handbag for a burka.
• No, Cumberland sausages aren’t poised for an imminent Halal takeover. What a horrific tragedy, imagine an after-work grill without specks of Mr. Cumberland!

One needs to unwind with a little xenophobia every now and then, right? It is the pinnacle spice of British excitement, the Marmite of social commentaries, nobody just ‘likes’ it, they’re either huddled inside Farage’s spicy hate-taco or flinching from its pungent aroma.

Beware the Marmite Caliphate!

We jest, of course. Because what could be more satirical than the paranoiac urban myth that Sharia Law is secretly infiltrating our beloved yeasty extract? Yep, you heard right. Marmite. The humble hero of our breakfast toasts, the viscous champion spread of WW1 troops, NOW supposedly a silent messenger of sweeping Islamification!

The belief is amusingly specific. Supposedly, each globule of the yeast extract is a tiny thumbprint – an infinitesimal affirmation of covert dedication to the Muslim Brotherhood. The logistics of such a proposition are fascinating.

Is there a secret squad of zealous muslims working on the production line at the Marmite factory – slipping tiny Ayat into each and every jar under the unsuspecting British nose? Is the crafty old yeast extract working in clandestine partnership with the enigmatic ISIS? Are we unknowingly funding the next terrorist attack each time we smear it over our crumpets (which are, we’ve heard from a similarly concerning conspiracy, also a jihadi construct)?

Let’s not even start on the possibility that Bovril might be in on it too!

Timely Tips for the Terrified Tommy

Just in case you are breaking into a cold sweat right now, worried that your dietary choices might be making you an inadvertent ISIS recruit, here are a few helpful tips:

• Scrape your Marmite jar for Ayats or any other hidden messages. If you find any, send them to your local Reform UK councillor – they love a good conspiracy!
• If your annual supply of Marmite has been shipped from Raqqa instead of Burton-on-Trent, it might be time to switch to a different yeast extract.
• If you find yourself spontaneously craving hummus or falafel, you might be affected. Consult your doctor and have your halal allergy checked immediately.

In the same vein of um, logic, best to check for vestiges of the Geneva Conventions in your jars of marmalade next time, or for hidden Napoleonic codes in your Branston Pickle.

A Call to Arms…and Knives and Fork

So, the rallying call has been sounded! To protect your culture and indeed, your pantry from the insidious invasion. Reactivate your culinary defences at breakfast-time, stop making the vegan falafel from that YouTube recipe, and above all – be vigilant of your Marmite!

But remember, deep breaths, everyone. Given the latest statistics, your perfectly legitimate pint is more likely to be the end of you than a dastardly tin of Halal Heinz.