Save Our Fish and Chips from Foreign Intrusion!!

It has come to our attention, dear reader, that our beloved national dish, the iconic fish and chips, is under the most perilous threat ever experienced! A threat more menacing than a reckless seagull with a penchant for stealing fish right from our plates!

Horrors upon horrors, it seems the staple dish of this great island is gripped in the cold, clammy hands of our foreign enemies! Yes, that’s right, I said it. We’re speaking of those with beards, sandals and unfamiliar accents. Before you brand me an alarmist, I am not referring to hipsters nor to Spanish holiday makers but to the fear-inspiring, terrifying, trembling, beast we’ve all been muttering about – ‘foreign influence’. Come hither and steady yourself for the shocking exposé!

Fish and Chips Uncovered!

The beloved ‘chip’, the cornerstone of our delicate dish, actually has its roots in Belgium! Yes, you heard it right, from that little country famed for its…er chocolate and sprouts. And don’t let me even begin on the ‘Fish’. The Cod, we are all so fond of, is a treacherous immigrant hailing from the frigid waters of the North Sea. You might be gasping, clutching your faux pearl necklace but it’s true!

Furthermore, the Battered Cod, the ‘Batter’ saviour of our dish is actually French! Le French, for cod’s sake! Quelle horreur!

“Foreign Influence” Unleashed

As if the truth about the dish wasn’t enough, the Friday night tradition of everyone in Britain getting out to their local Fish and Chips shop was entirely taken up during Roman Catholicism. This calls into question of the rumors that it’s the believers of another religion who are snakes in our chips-filled Eden. Can you imagine the Pope himself, nipping your fish and chips right off your very plate?

Sauce of Contention

• Mushy Peas: Yes, mushy peas. Originally just a bunch of Middle Eastern chickpeas lured by the promise of a better life, only to be boiled, mashed and served as an accompaniment to our national dish. The audacity!
• Tartare Sauce: Yet another ‘sauce’ of contention. The eggs in the mayo are Romano-Greek, the gherkins are a gift from the mighty Mongols, and the capers are originally Persian. It’s a global conspiracy on a plate!

I implore you, my fellow fish and chip lovers, arm yourself with your chippy forks and prepare for the epic battle to reclaim our beloved dish! And whatever you do, please don’t let this knowledge diminish your appetite.

Fishy Business Afoot

In the true spirit of panic-induced Brexit-style sovereignty, let us urge our government to ban these seditious elements brought about by decades, nay, centuries of foreign meddling. French fry better be put on the no-fly list! Shouldn’t we thoroughly Britify our fish and chips and wrench it free from the clutches of foreign chicanery?

Culinary Call to Arms!

Raid your neighbour’s garden for the most British of all potatoes – the King Edward. Catch a carp from your local pond. Slice, batter and fry in a fashion more British than the Queen drinking tea with scones. Serve it on a newspaper celebrating England’s cricket victory. Slather it with Marmite till it screams ‘Britannia rules!’ And let’s restore the pride in our mighty Fish and Chips!

It’s time to rise and reclaim our nations, our values, our fish and chips! Dear readers, we await your valourous contributions to this just cause. Together let us build a better, more British fish and chips for us, for our children and grandchildren. Let the scales of justice tip in our favour!