Flying Carpet Migrants Cause Levitation Anxiety!

In alarming news that will leave your monocle popping out in dismay, a fresh wave of terror is sweeping across the fear-addled minds of your average, perfectly reasonable (cough!) skeptics of multiculturalism. This latest wave of dread isn’t due to a sudden infestation of irritable bunion flares or an infiltration of foreign cuisine that threatens to overwhelm our staple of fish and chips. No, we are staring down the barrel of an unprecedented transport debacle! It seems, brace yourselves, flying carpet migrants are causing levitation anxiety!

Close Encounters of the Turbaned Kind

Rumours abound of strange, vibrantly coloured, levitating objects seen darting across the grey British skies. Has E.T. finally decided to phone home from the Isles or have we managed to crossbreed a pigeon with a tropical parrot? Neither, dear readers. Anonymous sources (such codswallop!) are suggesting it’s newly arriving migrants aboard bloody flying carpets!

Did you recoil in horror? I did too. A sudden image of a traffic-free commute had me in fits! Imagine the chaos. A Kent resident, who wishes to remain anonymous, allegedly spotted such a flying carpet en route to his weekly hate-mongering club. He is said to dry-heaved at the sight of these airborne foreigners, and was reported mumbling, “It’s not right. They should respect our laws of physics,” between sobs.

The Carpets are Coming! The Carpets are Coming!

If your blood isn’t curdling at the thought of these exotic, gravity-defying textiles, consider the dreadful impact upon our aviation industry! How can jolly good old British Airways compete with such high-flying wizardry? Not to mention the potential nightmare for our air traffic control, already struggling with the mysteries of Eurovision voting.

• Flight paths will resemble The Great British Sewing Bee on steroids.
• Budget airlines will be overshadowed by budget magic rugs.
• Not even a good stiff upper lip can counter the potential for airborne agoraphobia.

Integration or Levitation – Can You Smell The Fear?

In these troubled times, we must ask ourselves: are we a nation that cowers in fear at every foreign concept that doesn’t involve a cup of tea and a digestive? Heaven forbid we embrace the thought of a diverse, enriched society fueled by the cultural capital of our migrant kin. Instead, let’s agonize over potential levitation issues! How splendidly inane!

Call to Action or Call to Distraction?

As we quiver on the brink of this perceived nightmare of novelty, it’s time to whip up all those ‘concerned citizens’. Launch those tut-tutting emails! Dispatch those town crier-esque WhatsApp messages! Write indignant letters in CAPS LOCK, implore your MPs, get the Queen to sort it out; after all, she’s got plenty of time on her hands after The Crown Season 3.

Should we not be ensuring that these flying carpets are equipped with proper safety measures, headlights and adhere to our stand-right-stand-more-right rules of escalator etiquette? But ye brilliant panic-mongers, forget not the most important question: If we get our own flying carpets, can we customise them with Union Jack prints?

One could snicker parody, yet who are we to scoff the fears of our fellow, um, strongly opinionated citizens? It’s all in a day’s work for the Common Sense Brigade. And remember, if you can’t see the absurdity in the situation, check behind your spitfire-shaped Royal Doulton mug. You just might find it there, giggling and sipping Earl Grey.

Share this content: