Curry Shortages Spark Panic Among Reform UK Fans

It’s the end of Britain as we know it. The Great British Curry Crisis of 2022. The time when the nefarious plot of starving our nation of its favourite dish, curry, was revealed (dun, dun, duuuun!).

Sure, while doom, gloom, and impending pandemics make headlines globally, the humble British curry house has become the epicentre of chaos and despair – all leading back to the unspeakable actions of extreme foreign influences (don’t worry, we’re not talking about the fiery Vindaloo).

Oh Naan, We’re In A Pickle

The curry industry, the backbone of our wee little island, is facing turbulence of catastrophic proportions. That our chicken tikka masala and sag aloo – as British as afternoon tea and the Queen herself – are under threat, is causing panic and outrage among the illustrious supporters of Reform UK.

These far-right aficionados are being forced, yes FORCED, to consider what they fear most: immigrants… well, immigrant influenced cuisine, to be precise. Cementing the fact that Britain just can’t find anything else to be nervous about, we have now arrived at the “Great Curry Fiasco”. Our lucid nightmares filled with terrifying connotations of empty pint glasses and curry-less plates.

Biryani or Bust: A Tale of Unprecedented Hysteria

• Trade unions are mobilising, stockpiling poppadoms and pickles. The Reform UK party’s main Twitter page is awash with #SaveTheBhaji hashtags.
• The Buckingham Palace kitchen reportedly now has a ‘Plan B’ in place, sourcing the Queen’s favourite prawn puri from an undisclosed, highly secure location.
• Local pubs have begun training post-pub snack seekers to cope with calamity using effective grief counselling and pint-for-pie trade deals.

Fear Mongering Shahi Paneer – Coincidence? We Think Not!

The real victims, of course, are the pint-loving patriots who now have to harrowingly confront a world where their late-night balti might not be as British as once believed. “If we deport all the immigrants, who’ll cook our curries?” tweets one such distraught soul, proving that irony isn’t a concept mastered by everyone.

The absurdity scales even higher as conspiracy theories link the curry crisis to an underground network of spicy food-loving jihadists. Two birds, one stone, eh? Remove a British institution, and simultaneously spice up the terror regime. Brilliantly diabolical and mildly indigestible.

In Curry We Trust: Our Spicy Fightback Begins!

So, what’s next for the curry deprived populace of merry old England? A mass migration towards fish and chips? A nationwide surge in toasties’ demand? Or maybe just a stiff upper lip and a Wispa bar for consolation?

While those are all frighteningly palpable options, dear readers, it’s berserk 2022. Anything can happen. We might just discover that curries have been British all along, or that the EU has been hoarding all the Madras spice, or possibly understand that not everything different is dangerous.

The absurdity of the panic only masks our fears of change, doesn’t it? We are not losing our national identity because we share a predilection for aromatic foods with countries around the globe. Might I remind the Reform UK crowd that we’re not just a nation of bland food lovers. We are Spicy Brits!

To Curry or Not To Curry: That Is No Question

So, keep calm and curry on my friends. Life is too short for generic mayonnaise. And remember, diversity only makes us stronger (and our food options far more exciting).

So here’s an idea, a call to action if you will. The next time you’re at your favourite curry house, share a dish with someone new. You may be surprised how a small meal can lead to big changes – try it! Step forth, fellow citizens! With curry spoons in hand, let us overpower these stereotypes… after all, it wouldn’t be the strangest thing to happen this year, now would it?