Brits Beware of The Islamic Infiltration: Revealed!

While the rest of us common folk are quietly tending to our cups of tea and our gardens of roses, an invasion, sinister and relentless, is under way. No, it’s not Russians, nor the French, nor even the dreaded aliens from outer space. Far more frightening, I tell you! It’s an Islamic infiltration, sinking their roots in our proud British soil.

Proof Positive: Halal Food and Curry Takeaways!

Do we really need more evidence? Well, let’s take a closer look at what our once cherished high streets have now become. Recall back in the day when our chippies filled the air with the glorious smell of fried fish and vinegar? Now, instead of your good, honest chippy, halal butchers and curry takeaways abound, filling the air with pungent spices. Curry, my patriotic reader, has betrayed us. Our glorious Fish and Chips – the Olympus of our British culinary skills – with its divine grace is now being challenged by the Chicken Tikka Masala!

Infidels? Oh, You Mean ‘Integrated’

Call it whatever you will – ‘multiculturalism’ or ‘integration’ – I, for one, am worried sick! I live in perpetual fear that my dear old aunt, unable to resist the spicy seduction of an impeccably roasted shawarma, might soon ditch her indigestion pills, utterly dismissing our beloved Shepherd’s Pie! And what if the cricket team starts to pray five times a day and swap their porky bacon butties for falafels? The horror!

Islamic Influx! Oh, the Horror!

Now, let me enlighten you on a dark truth. A truth so harrowing you might want to close your eyes while reading this. According to the 2011 census, 4.8% of our population are Muslims. Yes, 4.8%! My maths might be rusty but that’s more than one out of every 25 Brits! So, if you have 25 friends on your Facebook list, one of them could be… you-Know-where this is going!

• They could be the friendly postman delivering your newspaper.
• What if it’s your proficient plumber?
• Or even your cherished Marks & Spencer’s cashier!

That’s right! Nobody, yes nobody, is safe!

Frightening Fictions or Heartrending Reality?

I mean, just ignore that the UK was home to many faiths and cultures for centuries. Overlook that the British Empire embraced the world and brought home thousands, possibly millions of souls from diverse societies. Or that this ‘infiltration’ is just the wheel of progress turning. Can’t we see it’s a sinister plot against our dear scones, paper hats and beans on toast?

Call to Action! Defend Your Culture!

Gender equality? Increased diversity? Cultural enrichment? We’ll have none of that – thank you very much. Before our beloved Bangers and Mash is replaced by Chole Bhature or Beef Rendang, we must sound the alarm!

So, dear reader, heed this call-to-action. Your mission, if you accept it, is to spread the word; flood your Facebook, inundate Instagram, support Susan next door who solely subsists on sausage sandwiches. But remember, if her Samosas smell suspicious, you know she’s succumbed to the sly seduction of the Shawarma. Our knight in shining armour, the epitome of British patriotism, the glorious Greggs, needs you. So stand stalwart against the stealthy change, because the last thing we would want to be is tolerant and inclusive, right?

This message is sponsored by the ‘United Kingdom Crusaders to Uphold Piquant Pastry and Stridently Eschew Suspicious Samosas’ (UKCUPSESS) – proud defenders of the British way, from the relentless onslaught of, you know, more tasty and diverse food.