“Britain’s Gone Halal: The Big Fat Kebab Conspiracy!”

Hold tight to your pork pies, my good Brits, for dark, foreign forces are at play – and kebabs lie at the very heart of this sinister plot. Rumor has it, there’s a worldwide poultry pact, a diabolical plan to replace every tender morsel of British beef with their dastardly doner. Yes, Britain’s gone Halal, and it’s time to tremble with knee-knocking terror at this ludicrous luncheon lunacy.

Fast Food Jihad!

Make no mistake, good people, our chip shops and chippies are under full-blown falafel assault. The dark days of hummus are sneaking up on our beloved fish and chips, our steak and kidney pies. You see, it starts with a simple shish, around the corner you spot the hummus, before you know it, it’s Baklava for pudding and Turkish tea. Mark my words, a secular soda won’t stand a chance against a marching Mecca mocha.

Pie Shops to Prayer Rugs

It’s more than just our gastronomic landscape that’s under a grill skewer threat, my tender British chops. This dastardly doner domination threatens our very way of life. Pubs, once bustling with cheeks rosier than a Sunday roasted pork, now echoing the eerie, distant chant of Adhan. Goodbye, pint of ale, hello, cup of zaatar tea. The barrels of bitters, replaced with barrels of tahini. Dartboards swapped for prayer rugs, pool tables for prayer timetables. Tabloids replaced with plates of Taboulleh. We’re spiraling into Shawarma-induced oblivion!

Infidels on Insta!

And let’s not forget about Instagram. Video clips of beer being drawn at jolly public houses have swiftly been outnumbered by oh-so tragic tales of jolly good folk converting their fish and chip shops into falafel emporiums. That’s right, your local, once hallowed home of the deep-fried Mars bar is now presumably under the control of insidious international hummus syndicates. From cod-and-chips to couscous in international speed record time!

Tommy Rot!

Look out for lads named Tom, Dick and Harry, too, for they are being converted faster than pints at happy hour. Yes, you heard it right, member after member of our treasured Tommy demographic is dropping their pork pies in favor of lamb gyros. They are swapping their footie chants for qawwali beats, and polishing their vowels to replace the trusted ‘ello, mate’ with a resounding ‘subhan allah’.

Kebab Revolution Rebellion

• Adopt a butcher – or two. It’s good for the economy and guarantees a reliable supply of non-Halal meat for your Sunday roast.
• Support your local pub’s bid for independence from falafel tyranny by guzzling down pints of bitter like the true Brit you are.
• Create a local tea-drinking cartel. This will counteract the influence of any stealthy tea substitutes.

My fellow Britons, this ticking kebab time-bomb can be disarmed only with sheer pluck, a stiff upper lip, and a defiant clink of a teacup! Tommy, Harry and even naughty Dick, arise! Stride forth, meat pie in hand, ready to defend our proud battered Haddock heritage. If we don’t act now, the looming baba-ghanoush apocalypse could very well be the kebab that broke the camel’s back!