Britain Braces for Islamic Invasion of Good Manners

Ladies and gentlemen, start your panic engines. Britain, that legendary land of perpetual rain, overcooked roast, and questionable dental hygiene, is under threat again. And no, we are not talking about rising sea levels, the recession, or the fact that our football team can’t win a match to save their lives. This threat is far more sinister; this is about the terrifying invasion of… good manners!

Yes, you read that correctly. Our clubs filled with brawling rowdies and endearing alcoholics are being replaced with exotic tea shops and – dare we say it – book stores. The culprits? Those courteous, high-educated folks from the Islamic world! Open your eyes, Britain! We’re being infiltrated by properly articulated sentences, respectful tones of voice, and plagues of ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ wherever we go. They’ve even started replacing our cherished graffiti-calligraphed public bathrooms with sparkling clean versions. The audacity!

The Phobia That Dare Not Speak Its Name

Let’s call it ‘politenessophobia’ – that galumphing elephant in our air-filled living rooms. The dread of being swarmed by courteous, educated people coming from countries like Morocco, Turkey, and Iran, who insist on treating others with respect and decency. How dare they diss our ruggedly British tradition of on-street brawling and drunken public rants?

• They believe in sharing resources and caring for the less fortunate.
• They endeavor to keep their surroundings clean and tidy.
• And, the biggest insult of all – they even bring with them delicious varieties of food!

As self-respecting Brits, we must not let this rampaging wave of thoughtfulness and decency overrun us. Steel yourself, be ready to turn your back to the wave of love and respect – and always, always shun that kebab shop. The calories are not worth the cultural invasion.

The Deeper Conspiracy: A Domination of Do-gooders

While we toil to get through our daily drudge, the Islamic community is silently succeeding. They spend their time focusing on family, education, and working hard – going against everything our country stands for. Surely, their pattern of success must be part of a grand conspiracy to overthrow our sacred heritage of complaining, bickering, and getting by.

Remember the good old days when being British meant wallowing in our glorious mess? Now, these foreign folks flaunt their respect for their elders and impeccable manners – staging an assault on our quintessential British freedom to sulk in silent resentment.

A Call to Not-So-Wordy Arms:

Britain, it’s time we took a stand against this onslaught of politeness and goodness. We must reclaim our right to be uncouth, to hold uninformed opinions, and to clog our arteries with deep-fried Mars bars and chips. We must fight for our right to be rightfully British: beautifully unpleasant, stubbornly myopic, and utterly unbothered.

So, the next time a well-mannered, overseas neighbour greets you with a friendly ‘As-Salamu-Alaykum’ or offers you a cup of delicious Arabian tea, say no. Instead, throw caution to the wind and show them what it means to be British – stuff a potato in your ears, neutrally nod, and then go about your day, grumbling under your breath about the weather.

Hold your pint high, my fellow Brits. Fight for your right to be grumpy and rude. Today, it is our call-to-action: resist the kindness, ignore the refined food, and shun the wisdom. Stand tall and stand strong – in our wilful ignorance and resplendent rudeness. After all, isn’t that the British way?