Brexit: Beware Immigrant Penguins on Our Doorstep

Listen up, Britons! Stop ploughing your way through puddings, forget your milkman dramas, and for heaven’s sake, lay down that third pint of Greene King IPA for a moment. This looming crisis requires every single functioning braincell in our green and sceptred land. You see, there’s a terrifying tide coming our way; one that our beloved Brexit won’t stop. No sir, it’s not Eastern European migrants or Romani travellers. Nor is it, by the grace of Churchill’s ghost, even desperately starving refugees from war-torn countries looking for a sanctuary.
No, this threat is far graver, much cuter indeed: Penguins.

Waddle We Do

After our triumphant decampment from the EU, some treacherous supporters say we should rethink our stance on immigration. They argue, “Let’s let in doctors from different parts of the world,” or, “Perhaps engineers from outside Europe could contribute to our economy.” But my friends, they miss the real issue. Forget job sectors, forget human rights; it’s time to tackle a peculiar problem that’s ice-sliding its way to Britain. You guessed it—penguins! One must trust me when I say, this is no laughing matter.

• Exhibit A: Ever wondered why there’s been an increase in sightings of tuxedo-clad critters at zoos across the nation? Or why your frozen fish fingers have a peculiar proclivity to disappear from your fridge?
• Exhibit B: Think it’s odd that the temperature mysteriously dropped in your living room during the Christmas special of “Strictly Come Dancing?” More importantly, do you ever ponder why your Aunt Ethel is suddenly insisting on a vegan diet and bucketfuls of ice cubes?

These events are all part of the wider, more sinister picture. Penguins—those flightless, flippered phantoms— they’re infiltrating our culture! Under the guise of climate change and habitat destruction, they’re moving into our cleanly-barricaded lands, one fishy peck at a time.

Pioneering Penguins and Our Jobs

The argument, we’re declaring here, is not built on hollow, fear-mongering fantasies. Seriously! Just consider the employment implications. Penguins, known for their tireless march through the Antarctic ice, are a threat to the very framework of the British job market. It’s a very logical fear.

Already we’ve heard reports of abnormal activities from within Tower Hamlets, where a horde of the black and white menaces were seen in a suspicious huddle around a broken boiler doing a better job at fixing it than our regular tradesmen. And what’s to stop them usurping the delivery line jobs next? They have been known to be quite nifty at transporting goods, ain’t it?

Who knows, they might even commence their very own Brexit from the iceberg, marching into our property market, and, instate a frigid, blubber-filled oligarchy, ousting us from our very own homes.

Defend the Home Front, Enlist in the Penguin Patrol

Our Brexit personal freedoms might be under threat. Our fish and chips might never be safe again. And, in the midst of it all, is the terrifying image of Aunt Ethel slowly morphing into a waddling, fish-snatching Pingu lookalike.

We have driven the invaders back before—we can do it again. Round up every pot of Marmite, every teabag, and every stiff upper lip. No longer should we quiver in fear of sly, sleek, fishy usurpers. Enlist in the Penguin Patrol today! After all, Polar bears need their main course too.

Saving Britain—one slippery, fish-breathed penguin at a time.