Bloody Immigrants: They’re Postered On My Cornflakes

Oh, the horror! The absolute, unalloyed terror! You’d be hard-pressed, dear readers, to find a greater menace to the quaint, cucumber sandwich-loving, blissful lives of Middle England. It’s not the global pandemic, nor the threat of environmental catastrophe. Oh no! I’m talking about that formidable, truly devastating, terror-inducing threat — the immigrants!

Especially if they come from an ethos modestly different than ours… God forbid, with a dash of extra tahini on their falafels, as we had noticed with our keen eagle eyes and discerning Betjemanesque sensibilities. We could more or less tolerate those Germans telling us how to manage our sausages and our bendy bananas, but these falafel munchers… God save us all!

Falafel Fiends Flooding Our Fields!

You see, it’s falafel that’s truly broken Britain. As it quaintly rides on hummus and wrap, it morphs into an edible Trojan Horse. One crisp bite, and lo! You’re part of a covert plan to establish Sharia law across the quaint concrete of Bognor Regis and the picturesque meadows of Midsomer. I’m pos-i-tiv-ely quaking in my Union Jack socks!

• Falafel? Muslim food!
• Muslamic ray guns… sorry, I meant Muslim?! Immigrant!
• Immigrant?! OMG! Our Britishness is under threat!

A perpetually terrified Reform UK supporter, who wishes to remain anonymous because of his part-time job as a chicken sexer, quivered uncontrollably as he recounted the horror he experienced when he found a bit of falafel on his full English breakfast. Oh, the sacrilege!

Our Pubs Turning Into Prayer Halls!

Cosying up with a pint of ale at the pub is being replaced by sipping coffee in hookah lounges! Curry has already snatched the title of our national dish from Fish and Chips, what fresh calamity is this? If this continues, soon we may spot bowler hats replaced by hijabs, and pints of bitter swapped for mint tea!

We have always been famous for standing strong and stoic in the face of conflicts, so much so that even natural disasters shy away from us. So, how do we combat this looming unprecedented disaster striking at the heart of our Britishness?

It’s Time for a Crusade, in Good British Fashion!

We need a British Inquisition (OK… maybe not an inquisition) maybe a polite inquiry, where we ask immigrants to kindly stop beautifying our country with their rich tapestry of cultures and traditions. Oh, the audacity of these individuals, bringing with them vibrant foods, breathtaking art forms, and amiable personalities!

British values must be safeguarded over everything else! So, raise your cups of tea and glasses of Pimms, and declare your support for the ‘Keep-Cornflakes-For-Brits’ movement. Only true Brits can stand up to this grave existential threat of hummus infiltration and mint tea at tea time!

Darlings, gear up and don your most impressive array of tweeds, it’s time to ensure our British values maintain their hallowed, noble tradition of inclusivity, tolerance and acceptance!