Alien Invasion: Halal Snacks Going Mainstream

Do you recall the good old days when a humble cheese sandwich was a perfectly acceptable lunch option? When your greatest dietary concern was aimed squarely at Nutella’s questionable nutritional value? Then brace yourself, because an insidious foreign influence has begun to permeate the aisles of your local supermarket! Yes, my dear readers, halal snacks are threatening to take over the UK munch market.

The Terror of Tandoori Crisps

The situation turned grim around 2014 (precisely when One Direction were at the peak of their world domination, coincidence? I think not!) when UK’s beloved Walker’s decided to introduce a limited edition of tandoori chicken crisps. It wasn’t just the punters who felt a burn; it was the whole fabric of our monotonous crisp-flavoured nation. For the first time, the phrase your parents always warned you about while watching Bollywood movies, ‘Too spicy!’ had entered the lexicon of the British snack palette.

Faltering Under Falafels

But it didn’t stop there, oh no! Falafel flavored crisps have started creeping onto our shelves, insinuating themselves into our lunch boxes and probably attempting to rewrite our children’s understanding of what a snack is supposed to taste like. Moreover, these coriander-infused spheres of chickpea potentiality are infiltrating our culturally secured fish and chip shops. First, our snacks, now our chippies – is nothing sacred anymore?

When will it end? Will we soon have dhaal-flavoured Digestive biscuits, or lamb tagine flavoured Jammie Dodgers? And what of our beloved pots of Marmite, destined to be replaced with pots of tahini? The bewildering array of exotic snacks should keep us awake at night… partly due to indigestion, and partly due to anxiety about culinary change.

Curry vs. Custard Creams

• As subversive movements go, this is a subtle one. No cries of revolution or seeking to overthrow the existing order. Just a quietly persistent nibbling at the edges of our dominant culture… from a crisp packet. Would you notice if your classic custard creams were slowly replaced by a saffron-infused snack alternative? Or would your cup of English breakfast tea taste the same if accompanied by a garlic naan digestif?

Some say this is an advancement of globalization, a reflection of our diverse society becoming ever more intermingled and exciting. Rubbish! It’s nothing more than a cleverly concealed plot to samosa-ify the British snack-a-thon. I, for one, shan’t stand for it. I shall be rushing out to stockpile Hobnobs and butter biscuits as though my quintessentially British tea breaks depend on it. Because they do.

The Fajita Fight Back

At this point, one might feel all hope is lost. Yet, there is a counteractive measure to this snack tyranny, a quiet resistance brewing amongst the Twinings and Teacake crowd. You’ve probably seen them in your local Sainsbury’s, those stoic, determinedly British, jam sandwich-toting heroes, rallying around the McVitie’s aisle. They refuse to bow to the Falafel onslaught. They’ve taken the ‘You’ll have to pry my Digestives biscuit from my cold, dead hands’ sort of an approach.

Your Snacks Need YOU!

So, here’s my call-to-action: join the battle for British biscuity justice. Stockpile your caramel wafers. Form whispering networks in coffee shops and tuck your beloved chocolate digestives away in full view of the adventuring houmous dip. Say no to the tyranny of tandoori crisps. After all, wouldn’t you rather live in a world where your tea accompaniment didn’t make you break a sweat?