Kebabs: The Stealth-Bomb of Sharia Law?

The Great British high street, once a jigsaw of charmingly twee tea rooms, old-world pubs, and Robin’s trusty second-hand bookshops, now reportedly quivers under the insidious invasion of the döner kebab shop. Their number has exploded – like a poppadom in a tikka masala – to 20,000 blazing beacons of cultural invasion, roundhouse kicking our humble fish and chips into oblivion.

Britain’s Great Uphill Battle: A Fight for Vinegar-Soaked Fish

Our bulwark against the creeping shawarma onslaught is, of course, the battered cod, a gastronomic hero defending our shores. Or so we thought. But alas, the vinegar-soaked symbol of our once proud nation can’t hold a candle to the downright dirty döner. The well-loved but increasingly marginalised fish, battered and blown aside by the spiced waft of the colossal kebab, is sounding the alarm.

Zero Degrees of Separation: From Pita to Politician

• Ed Miliband, our one-time potential Prime Minister, made a titanic blunder in 2014 when he tried to consume a bacon sandwich with all the finesse of a baby elephant at a pottery class. Was this orchestrated by ‘operation kebab’, a cunning plan to discredit the good old British bap? We can only speculate.
• The equally hapless Conservative Michael Fabricant was pictured in 2019 necking a big, juicy kebab like a man possessed. It was a proud day for Fabricant, as he was awarded ‘kebab personality of the year’. Clearly, this dish is gaining way too much political momentum.

No Laughing Mutter, Naan’s The Word

It’s no laughing matter, though. In hushed tones, middle England murmurs. They mutter over mugs of Yorkshire tea, their Marks and Spencer’s biscuits untouched. Ask most Daily Mail readers, and they’ll tell you that the naan bread is mightier than the pen. One could infer that the naan’s destructive power even edges out the automatic weaponry. A pocket full of naan has the capacity to lay waste to our national institution, the Sunday Roast.

Bojo’s Brand New Blunder: The Curry House Conspiracy

Even our bumbling Blondie-in-charge Boris Johnson has clumsily elbowed his way into the curry house conspiracy. Remember when he pledged to put an end to the ‘curry house crisis’ by importing chefs from India and lifting restrictions on South Asian cuisine in post-Brexit Britain? Does this not signal impending disaster? It sure reeks of tandoori chicken, at the very least.

What’s Next? Sharia by Shish?

As night follows day, it’s perfectly clear what’s next: an audacious attempt to implement Sharia law via shish kebabs. If this isn’t an existential threat to our undocumented cultural heritage of farty Brussels sprouts, gravy-drowned beef and tepid English beer, what is?

A Call to (Satirical) Action

Regular fine folks, if you want to reclaim your way of life, boycott your nearest kebab shop this very instant. Because once you have tried those deliciously thin slices of marinated lamb, cradled in a fresh, fluffy pita with a dash of tangy tahini sauce and a sprinkling of elegantly spiced rice, there’s no going back. You’ve been warned!

Equipped with this knowledge, arm yourselves with fish and chips, our last line of defense, and join the battle in saving our Great British high streets from the insatiable mouth-watering menace that is, the humble kebab!