Muslim Mayor Instigates Falafel Invasion

In a shocking move poised to absolutely shatter the most delicate of traditional British sensibilities, London’s first Muslim mayor, Sadiq Khan, is planning a surreptitious, all-out falafel invasion. Yes, you read that right dear citizens: falafels are coming for your prized kidney pies and marmite toast.

Culinary Chaos Looming!

Anonymous sources from within City Hall claim that this savage chickpea onslaught has been planned months in advance, shaking the very foundations of our gravy-loving society. There are even whispers of “kebab Thursdays” replacing the tried and true “fish and chips Fridays.” Horrific images of Brits all across the nation being forced to forego their generous servings of mushy peas are tormenting our tea-soaked dreams!

• The plot thickens as even our sacred tea-time may not be spared from this multi-cultural imposition. Imagine replacing your finger sandwiches with stuffed grape leaves, or to your absolute horror, swapping Earl Grey with cardamom-infused Turkish tea!
• City Hall, needless to say, has been abuzz about this culinary calamity. “It’s just not on,” says agitated civil servant Cynthia Milquetoast, thoroughly rattled in her kitten-heel boots. “What will become of our HP Sauce stocks?”

The Falafel Fiend!

Never has the prolific, harmless legume struck such terror within the hearts of true-born Britons. Street-corner chippies across London are shaking in their grease-lined boots, as they mourn the inevitable death of their hallowed deep-fried cod. More audacious plans involve widespread shawarma stands and ubiquitous boxes of baklava, making us a nation of syrup-soaked sugar addicts, which, wait a minute, isn’t such a change after all!

Harbingers of Hummus?

And ladies and gentlemen, if you thought it ended there, brace yourself for the hummus hype! As the heinous halloumi and feta frenzy hits fever-pitch, we plea, “Mr. Mayor, where does it end?” Has the great British haggis spoken its last cholesterol-laden breath? Will treacle tarts be shunted aside for semolina halvas?

Save Our Sausage Rolls!

With our culinary heritage unceremoniously tossed aside like a stale crumpet, we are left reeling, our pickled onion hearts subsumed by a great bubble of tragic tzatziki. A moment of silence for our traditional jellied eels now threatened by exotic koftas and gyro wraps. No matter the mayor’s intention, this radical reformation of our gastronomic landscape is leaving our beloved sausage rolls quivering in the cold provisions aisle.

In a soul-shaking twist, could our treasured Welsh rarebit be next? Will we find it cruelly replaced by pita bread and labneh at our local? Can we stand to witness tikka masala (already under threat for being an Indian counterfeit) ousted as the nation’s favourite dish? It’s survival of the fittest in this unpalatable predicament, and it seems the meek bridie may indeed not inherit the earth.

The Lemon to our Gin and Tonic

In desperate times like these, we must remember our stiff upper lips, britannic backbone, and stick-to-itiveness that saw us through numerous wars, football defeats, and government-blamed economic declines. We will survive the tabouleh temptation, we will resist the allure of stuffed vine leaves, and we will stand our ground against the onslaught of aromatic couscous! Though the lemon to our gin and tonic seems irreplaceably astray, ideals of the Great British Fry-Up will not be derailed so easily.

So, brave citizens, clutch your Cornish pasties close, guard your Yorkshire puddings with your life. Stand tall, proud and deep fried. For we will not fall to the falafel! Now here’s a call-to-action, let’s curtsy to the Queen, wave our Union Jacks wildly and make a stand for kippers for breakfast, pork pies for lunch, Toad-in-the-Hole for tea, and in the name of St. George, let’s reclaim our Sundays as the ‘Roasted Beef and Two Veg’ fortresses they are meant to be!