“The Kebabs are Coming!”: The Infamous Falafel Frenaissance

Great Britain, we need to talk. There’s an insidious threat looming large over our precious Isles, and it’s not immigrants. Nor the EU. Not even a comb-over that insists on clinging to Boris Johnson’s scalp. No. It’s something far, far worse — it’s the silent, impending doom — waiting crouching behind Lebanese flatbread and crispy fried chickpeas — yes, you guessed it right — our topic de jour, the infamous “Falafel Invasion”.

Attack of the Late-night Kebabs

Picture the scene. It’s 2 AM. You’re tumbling out of your favourite local, belly full of lager and head full of that godawful karaoke you attempted. And then it hits you. An unknown, exotic aroma. You’ve smelled it before, but it’s taken on a menacing twist tonight, like a bad Bond villain who turns halal. Shivers run down your spine as you see the neon sign in the distance flashing – “The Mighty Kebab”.

• It’s not just doner anymore. There’s the shawarma, the falafel and the spine-chilling…hum-mus.
• There’s so much garlic and chilli sauce, it’s impossible to see the chips underneath.
• One whiff and your nostrils are treated to an assault of mixed spices, smokey grilled lamb, and hot chilli – it’s the olfactory apocalypse for all who dare approach.

How Did Our Chips Get Hijacked By Falafel?

Once upon a time, our late night food battles were fought on the familiar terrain of curry vs. chips—two beloved contenders vying for the affection of Britain’s inebriated tastebuds. Yet unbeknownst to us, a new foe has stealthily infiltrated our high streets. Busily spreading its influence with spicy chickpea goodness, our beloved chips have found themselves ambushed by the nefarious ‘falafel’.”

And What Even Is A Shawarma?

Is it a gyrating slab of meat for the drunken masses? Ann exotic species of rodent? A new dance trend inspired by the Middle East? Nobody knows, or indeed cares to know. Yet as your intoxicated compatriots stumble, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, into a land of succulent shredded meat and infuriatingly delicious looking flatbreads, the shawarma, whatever it is, has marked its territory.

Mock Tabbouleh? Green and Nasty, that’s What It Is!

And let’s not even get started on this latest imported horror. Gluten-free! Vegan! Low in saturated fats! It claims to offer so much but delivers so little… at least to our discerning, proudly lager-laden palates. What is it, point of fact, replacing our sacrosanct mushy peas with this reprobate salad bowl? With its suspect amount of green leafy items, “Tabbouleh” is a bona fide nightmare in a bowl.

Can’t We Just Have Our Chips and Curry in Peace?

The simple truth is Britain’s snacks are under threat. The Crown Jewels are the next stop. We’re only a falafel’s throw away from our Queen sitting upon a throne made of pita bread! We need to act, girls and boys, before the shawarma-sneaking, falafel-flinging, hummus-hurling invasion transforms our beloved land into a shish kebab kingdom.

ACT NOW: the ‘lock-your-doors-against-falafel’ movement is recruiting!

So, join me, my fellow nostalgic chip lovers, in our crusade against this clandestine chickpea catastrophe. Let’s stand together, raise our beer-stained flags high, and tell these devious doners “NO MORE”! We won’t let our lack of culinary adventurousness be dubbed as bigotry, we’re just being true to our parochial perfection.

It’s time to reclaim our menus, and banish the Falafel Fright!