“Invasion Alert! Migrants Now Stealing Our Tea Bags!”

Just when you thought you’d heard it all, get ready for the next wave of panic-inducing, end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it, “they’re taking everything” paranoia as we descend into the latest rabbit hole of right-wing fears. Apparently, migrants are not only after our jobs but also our dear, cherished English breakfast tea!

Tea-Gate: The Scandal of the Century

It’s time to bolt up your kitchen cupboards! Local man, Arthur Thoroughgood, claims he found proof of his “favourite PG Tips stolen by a mysterious entity with foreign-like movement.” His investigative recon to track his missing tea led him to his local corner shop where he noticed a suspicious-looking bloke with a backpack full of the stuff. It was at this point Arthur happily connected the dots. Of course, it was the immigrants! Who else could it be?

The Heinous Plot Thickens

A quick Facebook comment thread analysis confirms, Arthur isn’t alone. There are numerous sightings of foreigners in coffee shops and supermarkets near – you guessed it – the tea aisle! Oh, the humanity! Apparently, they’ve also developed a taste for Jammie Dodgers, and some have begun adding mightily foreign spices to our perfectly adequate cottage pie recipes. Where’s the line, Britain? Where’s the line?

• Reports suggest a masked gang of Eastern Europeans were seen hoarding Digestive biscuits in Romford.
• In Camden, locals were shocked when a group of Italians ‘dared’ to ask for almond milk in their Earl Grey! The audacity!
• The most disturbing of all, a group of kids with distinctly ‘outlandish pronunciations’ were caught on CCTV requesting ‘extra sugar’ in their school drinks. Sugar, in children’s drinks – when will this madness end?

Action Stations: Our Beloved Tea Is Under Threat

A reaction to these brewing tea thefts has been thunderous. From tweets to hastily scribbled Facebook posts, every Gerald, Patricia and Mavis has voiced their outrage. Quite a few have pledged their allegiance to the cause. After all, if we let them take our tea, what will be next? The Queen? The BBC? Polite queues?

• One valiant lady from Kent has started knitting tea-cosy shaped armor to protect her cuppas from wandering hands. It’s the kind of Blitz spirit we’ve been sorely missing since, well, the Blitz.
• A gang of retired golfers named themselves the ‘Tea Vigilantes’ and roam local parks after dark, seeking justice – all armed with tea strainers.
• Accounts of homemade tea alarms have also surfaced. The setting up of tripwires around tea caddies and loud burglar alarms by the tea racks in supermarkets are becoming increasingly common.

The Rush for Re-nationalising Tea

The Reform UK party has jumped onto the bandwagon, demanding a curb on tea imports, and instead lobbying for the re-nationalisation of tea. One unnamed source was heard saying, “If we can Brexit, we can Teaxit!”

No news yet on how the ‘Teaxit’ campaign intends to grow tea in British weather, though we’ve had rumours of a little something involving ‘global warming’ and a multi-million pound set of greenhouses in Dorset. Stranger things have happened, I suppose.

A Time To Take A Stand: Tea Warriors It’s Your Watch Now

So, what does this all mean? It’s a Battle Cry, dear Brits! We need to ward off these looters of our beloved brew, these thieves of our cherished cuppa, these bandits of our much-loved biscuit dunkers. It’s time for Great Britain to unite under a common cause – Saving Our Tea!

So, whilst you sit tight and gently rock your devastated self to sleep tonight, remember to lock up your tea caddies & guard your biscuits. Keep calm, and protect the tea. For Queen, country and PG Tips.