SION: How Shawarma Will Devour British Identity!

I tremble as I write this, bombarded by the dire realization that our dear Queen’s English is losing its purity – one falafel at a time. This isn’t just about Shawarma shacks colonizing our high streets in herds quicker than kombucha bars mushroom in LA. Oh, dear readers, this is an existential threat on our ‘Fish and Chips’, ‘meat and two veg’, and ‘bangers and mash’ way of life!

“They’re Not Just Shawarmas, Silly!”

These aren’t mere rotating meat spits, dear naive Britain, they are rotating cultural torpedoes out there to muddle our royal purity. Don’t believe me? Why else would they be imported from places where the sun beats down rather fiercely and people prefer to greet each other with a ‘Salam’ than a ‘How do you do, old chap?’

If our four tea times a day can’t keep us locked in these greasy Middle Eastern claws, maybe something far more sinister come into play, like aromatic spice-infused, palate-teasing kebabs. Ah, the horror!

An Unforgivable Assault on British Culinary Savagery

It is an open assault on our great British culinary institution. Have you not seen the sudden surge in popularity of couscous over Yorkshire pudding, or hummus over Marmite? What impudence!

Laundry Lines: The Silent Terror of the Backyard

And then there’s their penchant for laundry lines, a sight that sends shivers of horror down my stiff upper lip. Sun-dried clothes swaying gently in the English wind? An abomination! Everybody knows that a true Englishman’s clothes ought to acquire that sublime damp scent only achievable through basement air-drying.

Hidden Messages Within their Mystical Arabic Alphabet

To add insult to injury, consider their perplexing use of the Arabic script. Do they not realize we’re struggling enough with English alphabets? Surely, they must, but their purpose is to drown us in squiggly confusion. We’re on to them!

Defending the Realm at all Costs

We must arm ourselves with the iron shield of pig-headedness, fueling our stand with roast chicken and ale. Indeed, our tactic of aggressive ignorance shall shield us from this menace!

• First, expunge your culinary dictionary of anything foreigner-sounding. If you can’t pronounce it, it does not belong on your platter.
• Second, zealously warn everyone you meet about the existential threat of Shawarma English fluently spoken with an intriguing foreign lilt.
• Finally, resort to good old British charm. Nothing ward off threats better than a well-timed, sarcasm-loaded ‘Sorry’.

Last but not least, dare to ask the question, ‘but is it really that bad?’ after we’ve cried our hearts out. If you do, you’re no true British patriot and should be made to eat a whole baba ganoush! We, the alarmist revolutionaries of the SION (Stop the Invasion Of the Naans), hereby warn all hummus-huggers and kebab-kissers that your days are numbered.

In solidarity, we urge you to stockpile digestive biscuits, brew superhero strength tea, and practise your Beatles lyrics. After all, if we don’t stand for kidney pies, haggis, and black pudding, what are we left with?

Calling the Cavalry

Be a pillar of support! Send us your rants, offensive vegetable falafel recipes, your wildest conspiracies about couscous. Drop your favourite curse word (but only if it’s English) in our comment box. And for the love of all British preserves, share this with your like-minded blokes. God save the Queen, our bellies, and our fish and chips!