Wave of Kebabs: Britain’s Bizarre Bed-Time Blues!

No, this isn’t the plot of the latest Celebrity Masterchef; it’s the stuff of nightmares for devout believers of good-ol’ British order and a diet-free of foreign spices! The nights are indeed darker with the shadow of our greatest culinary nemesis. The kebab and its co-conspirator, the curry, have apparently launched a culinary coup on our beloved British Isles!

Foreign Monsters Under the Bed – or on the Grill?

The fine puritans of the Reform UK type have alerted us all to this monstrous attack. They’ve spiraled into panic over the sudden influx of these exotic mysteries – these foreign spices, these… kebabs! Just listen to their cries of agony: “What happened to the good old fish and chips? What’s become of our Shepherd’s pie?” Have we really let the hordes of minced meat, concealed in a pitta cloak, creep onto our dinner plates?

Off-the-Boat Spices Stealing Jobs!

Get this: even our jobs are at stake! These off-the-boat spices with their sizzling attribute are weaseling their way into our kitchens, sweeping up jobs that would otherwise go to good, British black pepper and salt. Millions of native herbs and spices, those proud sons and daughters of Great Britain are losing their livelihoods.

• We have it on good authority that a whole bag of thyme from Norfolk is now living on government aid!
• Parsley from Pembrokeshire was last seen in a JobCentre queue, beyond crestfallen.
• The salt mines of Cheshire are echoing with despair as their flavorful product lingers unused on supermarket shelves!

Attack of the Foreign TV Dinners!

And you thought it was over? You thought naan bread was as bad as it could get? Think again! Now we’re faced with a torrent of foreign TV dinners, set to infiltrate our living rooms. They mock our crisps and scorn our biscuits!

Behind every British-manufactured television screen, there seems to lurk a packet of ready-made chicken tikka masala, eager to desecrate the sacrosanct ritual of the 9pm Coronation Street serving of spaghetti on toast!

Great British Values Threatened by Tabouleh!

Nevermind that the multinational origins of our food could symbolize a rich tapestry of cultural unity. The pure angst-ridden cries of our Reform-UK brothers insist it’s an assault on our Great British values! It is time to take a stand, they say, against falafel and tabouleh, which presumably threaten the very core of our national identity – as though the sight of a gyro might cause the ashes of Winston Churchill to spontaneously combust in a fit of posthumous rage!

Next on the Agenda: Curry-scented Currency!

The scaremongering doesn’t just stop at dinner time. We’ve heard murmurs from credible sources (a bloke down the pub who knows a guy who knows a guy) that the mint on our money is set to be replaced with the scent of curry! Is nothing sacred anymore?

We may wake up one fine morning to find our beloved Queen’s profile, adorning a tenner, smelling of tandoori! The audacity, we say, the audacity!

So, dear readers, hear the call. It is time to stand for your native nutmeg, your homegrown rosemary, your fellow coriander, and yes, your eternal mate – salt! It’s time to don our aprons, raid our spice racks and march down to the Houses of Parliament armed with pie and mash.

Stiff upper lip chaps! Heaven forbid we should open our culinary hearts and kitchen cupboards to the exotic delights of foreign foods. And who knows, should these culinary invaders gain more ground, we might all have to eat healthy – the absolute horror!