Brits Terrified of Rogue, Kebab-Wielding Islamists!

Oh dear! The British Isles are on the brink of doom riding on the swirling currents of the River Thames. The good, well-mannered, tea-drinking citizens of our beloved sceptered isle have devolved into a quivering mass of fear-ridden jellybeans fearing for their dear life because, it seems, there is a surreptitious Islamist plan to replace Revels with Turkish Delight. Imagine the horror!

Salad-Dodging Brits Fear Kababs!

Yes! It appears that a sudden interest in Mediterranean cuisine, particularly in calorie-heavy mixed grill kebabs, extra spicy with chili sauce and lashings of garlic mayonnaise, signals the death toll for the traditionally grease-laden fish and chips. As the source of such nutritious delights, suspicious eyebrows are being pointed towards every Abdul’s Kebab Shop in a five-mile radius.

Fear is mushrooming like yeast in warm dough that Bob, the proprietor of ‘Fry Until You Die’ chippy, may soon be ousted, his culinary empire reduced to rubble by an exotic, multi-pronged skewer. The Empire is under threat, folks! Make no mistake about that.

Is Your Dog Turning Islamist?

There’s reply coming from all the way from the manicured lawns of suburban England: a frantic howl of dread. Reports are piling in of a radical, secret plot to indoctrinate our unsuspecting pets into the world of Islam. Innocent pooch Rover, may well be secretly fasting for Ramadan, while you innocently pour Pedigree Chum into his dish. The horror!

• Zack from Slough swears that Clive, his Corgi, now only responds to ‘Khalid.’
• Mabel from Tunbridge Wells reported that her feline, Kitty, now graciously bows towards Mecca.
• Even the goldfish, Mildred, seems suspiciously enthralled by the tunes of the call to prayer.

Of course, no one is quite sure how these pets are being radicalized. Maybe through coded messages in their squeaky toys or via subliminal images in their Iams puppy food TV commercials?

Is Sharia Law in Reach?

The dark corners of the internet seem to be brimming with fears over the imminent imposition of Sharia Law. Yes! Sharia. That alien and exotic-sounding legal system that no one quite understands but everyone is absolutely certain is bad news.

The prospect of bearded, curvy-sword-wielding Sharia policemen patrolling the streets of downtown Penzance and issuing “savage” summonses to ‘John’ for drinking beer or to ‘Magnus’ for not changing his name to ‘Mahmoud’ is enough to stir terror in the stoutest of British hearts.

Never mind that the country can barely keep its regular policemen staffed and equipped. Or that British law is quite robust and doing a good job except for those pesky details like social fairness, economic equality, and unobtainable Michelin Stars.

Quaking Britain’s Call to Action!

So, in the spirit of battle-hardened Britannia, it’s time to take a stand, folks! Let’s restore the good old world order where our number one enemy was French cuisine and not kebabs. Starting now, protect your chippies, pet your poodles, and most importantly, lock up your goldfish. The fight starts at home. Remember, When Britain is at stake, every morsel of battered cod counts!

The nightmare of kebab shops outpacing chippies in Britain can only be met with one response: eating more chips! So, let the potatoes be peeled, the fish be battered and the fat be rendered, as the Brits take back their land, one stodgy, fried delight at a time. God bless the fish, the chips, and the Queen yet still.