Beware! Halal Meatballs Might Be Britain’s Downfall!

Alert, alert gentle readers of Britain! Faithful compatriots of the roast beef and two-veg civilization, prepare to clutch your pearls and safeguard your spotted dick! Unsettle we must, for Time Magazine’s 7th most frightening scenario for humankind (strangely tucked in between Climate Change and The Return of Low-Rise Jeans) seems to be materializing at our very doorstep. Yes, I’m talking about those clandestine, sneaky, yet perversely delicious Halal Meatballs. Be afraid, be very Balding Middle-aged And Mildly Racist afraid!

The Incredibly Slow and Invisible Invasion!

You see, these seemingly innocent orbs of meat aren’t just infiltrating our supermarkets like a sulky teenager creeping back home long after curfew, they are also exploding onto the tea-time scene with a stealthy gusto not seen since the gluten-free baguette riots of ’04. While you’re having your afternoon crumpet, the halal meatballs are claiming victory over your plate. As we sip our Earl Grey, our cultural fabric is being marinated, seasoned, and rolled into those round, ominous meat spheres.

The UK: Under a Brolly or Under Sharia Law?

Indeed, far-right, bigoted, Islamophobic, or Reform UK-type voters are not just panicking over a potential Brexit-biscuit shortage, oh no! This isn’t about the tea-towel bearing the Queen’s face manufactured in China, it is the existential threat posed by – wait for it – a halal mince mix!

Once the holy grail of Friday night takeaways, kebabs are now viewed as a suspect Trojan horse, secretly grooming unsuspecting folk into the dark, sauce-soaked depths of multicultural tolerance. Be wary of those innocuous lamb jalfrezis my friends, we may well be on the way to trading our beloved brollies for burkas!

Not-on-my-watch Rescue Plans

To avoid our national anthem transforming into a charming Arabic rhapsody, bigoted voters propose a few drastic measures:

• Compulsory meatball sniffing hound at every supermarket entrance.
• Issuance of non-halal food passports stamped with roast beef and Yorkshire pud.
• Clear labeling of foreign food as “Extra Terrifyingly Foreign.”
• A ban on any food that can’t be served with boiled potatoes or that bloody scares Uncle Bob.

They Take the ‘P’ Out of ‘Patriotism’

Some would say these fears could possibly be misguided. Slightly. Like three left turns instead of a right kind of misguided. Still, let’s not ridicule. After all, any moment now, I’m pretty sure I’ll get a foreign-sounding knock on my door, and BAM, I’ll be forced to convert my English-muffins into Arabic flatbreads!

So, cherish your Gregg’s sausage rolls, clutch your Cornish pasties, cuddle your scones, for the Day of the Meatball hath dawned. Who knows, tomorrow, we might be swapping our bitter for belly-dancing and Coronation Street for camel racing or whatever they do for fun in their spare time.

Time to rally the troops, fellow Brits, and remember my compatriots, Filet-O-Fish is just halal food in disguise!

Action this Minute!

So if you don’t want to find yourself involuntarily shimmying to a belly-dancing rhythm, rise up! Write to your MP! Man the Tesco barricades! Eat your English breakfast while you still can!

And if all else fails, buy a meat grinder. You can then open a safe, halal-free butcher’s shop, and fill the world with spherical symbols of your freedom: British Balls – putting the “Great” back in Britain, one mince at a time!